I've been tormented a lot in the last few months by feelings that I couldn't
process. I didn't know who to turn to and couldn't use our group. I felt things
that I couldn't name and understand. I grappled with whole areas of knowing and
feeling and had to fight my way through that jungle with a machete, all the
way. It was painful. But I wouldn't trade that experience for what I've gained.
Nothing had prepared me to understand them but did make me fear them. And it
was keeping me up at night, during the day even. I have had to fight a long war
in my psyche against the suppression of my feelings because of the silencing
I've felt growing-up and the shame. I started to feel happy in the last few
months and I didn't know how to process it. Didn't know what to do, how to act,
what to say.  How best to talk about it. Sadness has been difficult, but I
usually wallow in silence. Pain too. As well as anger.  Our group has helped me
immeasurable with many things by providing a healing space to process pain,
sadness, anger through fellowship and compassion.  Happiness was not something
that I've had to grapple with in recent memory.  I've only recently felt
somewhat comfortable being hugged. And I still don't feel worthy, entitled, or
not full of shame to ask to hug someone.  Even as a form of greeting, let alone
for comfort or happiness. The unworthiness and unloveability still silence my
voice. And makes the pit of my stomach hurt. But since I've met you, I've
wanted to overcome that dread.  You've made me smile.  You've made me want to
sing. You coaxed me to join-in your practice, never making me feel unworthy but
safe. And you've included me in things in your life. I can't thank you enough.
Seeing you each time has brought a barely hide-able smile to my face after many
years of sadness. This alone makes me want to get-up in the morning. I hear
your voice, singing, And it sounds like an angel whispering to me. Even when
you're not around, I hear it and I smile.  Your kindness and patience has given
me hope. I have wished for miracles so I could return your kindness. Ever time
I see you I want to hold your hand, embrace you, and kiss you. I've never felt
like that about someone of so long and it makes me happy to even write that. I
know our group might be ending at some point in the future. I don't know if me
saying those words will make it end quicker. I keep reading about telling
people how you feel about them because they'll be gone soon enough. I wanted to
say how I felt despite my past fears because you mean so much to me. But I know
that's not how the world works. You can't expect feelings to be returned. If I
never see you again, I'll be very sad but I'll understand. Wanting to be part
of your life is something I'd desire. But desire is suffering. Buddhists know
this. I wanted to spend an hour with you soon, a park or a museum, where ever.
This may be too much to ask. Its so hard when you are lost in a land with no
map and no one to guide you. If you can guide me to a respite or to the exits,
that would be appreciated.